The search and ache of one without sisterhood…

For some days, weeks, months, there has been a weird energy around me. Somehow there is this neverending experience of feeling bullshit. I lose respect and don’t want to be around them anymore. Women. Wondering if it results from my own bs-ness as a teenager…? From maiden to mother, trying to find my own way as mother- without mother, it has been right in my face. Karma maybe?

The last few female friends or acquaintances I seemed to have stripped away, my devastation was actually big. It wasn’t the type where you feel like letting go slowly just because you don’t talk as regular. More like “This shit hurts but I am letting you hurt me?!” Intentionally, I am holding on to something because of the good it was. WAS. My definition of loyalty appears different it seems. Not saying it is the right way, or there is only one way, I think maybe there are several ways of showing loyalty, and everybody is different in their own ways of it. I’m far from perfect…very far. My crap stinks- I try not to judge telling myself to hold my tongue because frankly, I am human, perfectly imperfect and always learning about myself and the level of consciousness I’m at, which is merely the pinky toe dipped in the ocean. Yet, there is still the basic definition: “a strong feeling of support or allegiance”, This can differ in every scenario, culture, level of majurity. Well, there are some simple morals, though. Morals created by society.

So, outgrowing people… I was sad and disappointed. My mood was in the gutter for days, even weeks. A friend of over a decade needing to be left on their path, while mine is going a different direction. And this is not the first ‘sister’ I am experiencing this with. We used to live a similar life, in some aspects, but headed in different directions. Different things to live through, different episodes played, different seasons to cherish. There wasn’t anything we had in common anymore. We didn’t share the same interests, nor was there opportunity to help the other out. I’m learing the difference between a real and true friendship, as well as a “we can support each other, one hand washes the other” type deal. The latter can also go over many decades. These are the people that shape your village with your friends and family – or self-created family. We grow onto them and value them. We learn to love them over time because of the care being shared for each other. In many cases of mine it was a sisterhood, I used to think. A sisterhood with conditions…was it really sisterhood? Conditions? Hmm, it kinda doesn’t go together. Arent we all just so different?

Lately I’ve been longing for this ‘sisterhood’. I have two ladies I talk and text with occasionally, knowing them from way back when, our time in Germany. The maiden years. We check in on each other, look out for each other – regularly but not constantly. We are on each others minds… It is something really beautiful, something I am very grateful for. What makes it so precious is this: we all now live here, in the United States. We were born and raised in Germany. We share the same culture, yet adapted to a new one…over a decade (I personally am a dual citizen experiencing both cultures growing up, I don’t know what it feels like coming to a different country without having any relatives or people I knew growing up, that already loved me and wanted to support my move across the pond). We share this experience of relocating to such a massive extent. Its very valuable and uplifting for me.

Unfortunately, here, the U.S. of A, I cant find anything like it close to me. I have no female friends. Well, that’s only half true. I do have a little less than a hand full of acquaintances I care for and we link up for lunch about 3/4 times a year to catch up and these times too, are precious. I am referring to the very regular, deep exchanges with sisters living a similar/ like minded life to mine. Tea dates, Circles, Exchanges – soul exchange…sisterly hugs… I find nothing but superficial bullshit. If you aren’t born here, going to school here, it is one of the hardest things to find. Genuine friendship as an adult, yet, so many women are looking for it. Longing for it. Searching… I’m sad. I have been sad over this aspect for a long time. There have been multiple lovely women I have met over the years. Nothing lasted. We outgrew each other. We weren’t able to build a community. I think about this often when I see all my close friends I grew up with gathering together – with their kids. Somehow, here, it all comes with conditions. It makes me feel alone and I am sure I’m not the only one feeling this way. I feel it in my bones. My husband and kids, I love them and they mean everything to me. But a sisterhood where we build each other up, support each other, talk about the things women talk about with each other, preparing foods together, sharing passions with each other, is a vital need for a healthy heart and mind as a female. Not online, not just over the phone. A sisterhood fills the soul just as much as your family should- and does in my case. It makes it a whole. I am a happy wife and mother -but a lone wolf… a sad one with a void on the flipside.

It took me four weeks to write this. I feel I took off all my clothing for the public to see. These four weeks have been a personal mind-chaos. Not knowing what it really was my soul was searching for I kept telling my husband ‘ I need women time, a female friend but I don’t know where this longing is coming from, all I know is it feels desperate’. He understood entirely. Always referring back to the time of hunters and gatherers he understands where this need is coming from – the female aspect of it. Knowing I wouldn’t be the only one feeling this way made it ok to strip down. Knowing in the end it was sisterhood I am missing, made it vital for me to strip down.

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